“In your soul, you know when it’s time to go”

I am at a crossroad in life where I’m presented with two options.

Option 1: Choose myself. Get a divorce, remain comfortable and hope that eventually I’ll find someone who inspires me.

Option 2: Choose him. Support him. Love him… and hope that he ends up loving me the way I want to be loved.

Honestly put, I am so scared of both options. In option 1, I’m choosing me but I’m forgoing the option to ever find someone who will be family approved but I feel like this will make me happy. This is the option that allows me to love myself the way I want to be loved. In option 2, I’m gambling and gambling hard. I will have to put in the work to mould my partner into the partner I want him to be and support him when all I want in my life right now is to have someone support me. Do I have the energy to build a man?

Option 1 is undoubtedly easier. My soul is tired of choosing the hardest option but aren’t the harder choices always 10x more rewarding?

Option 2 would have been the easier choice if we had a connection worth fighting for. I understand that it wouldn’t have even been a conflict in my head, if we understood and loved each other but we don’t. To say we had rocky beginnings would be an understatement but I’ve grown so much in this relationship that I’m thankful for the person I am now.

So given the option of the harder but potentially more rewarding option and the easier but more peaceful option, what should you choose?

“Sometimes, givin’ up is the strong thing
Sometimes, to run is the brave thing
Sometimes, walkin’ out is the one thing
That will find you the right thing”

give me love, take it all away

As stupid as it sounds, we need to be kinder to each other. There’s so much hurt, anger and chaos in this world and so little understanding. I’ve been trying to see why the world is so divided when at our cores, we are all trying to do the same thing…live.

I’ve come to the following conclusions:

• “Hurt people, hurt people”
• some people just want to see the world burn
• & anger, pain and revenge is the easiest way to feel relief *temporarily*

Now, I’ve always been a person with little to no emotions but I ran into someone the other day who deeply hurt me and I had to pretend that everything is okay. Only problem? EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY. I deserved better. Those are the three words, I never thought I’d say to myself because I’ve always felt I deserved every crappy thing that happened to me because I fell short, angered someone, or just karma but today, I knew in my heart I deserved better. I had to be kinder to myself but that wasn’t the initial jump I had.

To do list:

• Get Revenge
• Cry
• Slash his tires
• Cry
• Ruin his life
• Cry
• Talk to BFF

My BFF told me the best revenge is no revenge & she’s right, at it’s core, revenge creates a never ending cycle of pain. My mom called in the middle of this convo I was having to discuss an IT issue and I ended up ranting to her as well (i was vulnerable okay!).

My mom gave me some religious advice, told me that I do indeed need to be kinder but she also walked me through me rambling/discovering my biggest fear:

I do not want to be a victim. I don’t want to be “woe is me” and I really don’t want people to feel bad for me. I have tons to be grateful for and I’m just embarking on finding out who I am, that’s what your thirties are for right? Epic loves! even if that epic love turns out to be just you.

Luckily, I’m only 28.